


Nearly all men are afraid

by scap3goat (kriegswaffel)



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M, Near Death Experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-24
Updated: 2012-09-24
Packaged: 2017-11-14 23:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/520610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriegswaffel/pseuds/scap3goat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a case goes horribly wrong and Spencer ends up injured Hotch tries his best to keep Spencer with him until help can arrive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nearly all men are afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Set after S07E06 - "Epilogue" but before the end of Season 7.  
> Also, kind of a fill for a prompt at the HotchxReid Prompt Meme here: http://hxr-promptmeme.livejournal.com/993.html?thread=266465#t266465

“We lost him and we’re currently somewhere between half a mile and a mile uphill from the street. Can’t say where exactly.” Hotch looked over at Reid curled up against a tree, sweating despite the temperature. “Of course Reid didn’t tell me he’s been bleeding for the last one and a half hours. Over.”

A moment later the walkie talkie crackled and Morgan was to be heard on the other end. “Sunrise is in 95 minutes, you’ve got to hold out until then. We can’t get a helicopter up to look for you until then and there’s no use in risking to get up there in a car to look for a needle in a haystack. Over.”

Hotch nodded. “Yeah, of course. There’s no use in you killing yourself to find us. I’ll keep Reid alive until then. Over.”

“Yeah, get him to tell you the history of Christmas customs. That’ll keep him animated for some time. Over.”

Hotch chuckled to cover up the tension. “Yeah, I’ll figure something out. Need to save batteries, I’ll switch the walkie talkie off now. 95 minutes till sunrise. You’ll find us. Over and out.”

Hotch took a deep breath and sat down next to Reid.

“History of Christmas customs, huh?” he asked. “What did Morgan do to deserve that?”

 

###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###

 

The mood at the station was not much better, everyone tense and unhappy. They had just lost their only connection to Hotch and Reid, out there in the wintery cold of Alaska. Between the residual tension with their unsub on the loose, the parents of the dead girls breathing down their necks and now two of their colleagues out there Morgan was surprised nobody had snapped yet.

He figured he might be somewhat close himself when he caught sight of one of the parents entering the station.

“Mr Sawyer?” Morgan greeted the approaching man, not really happy to see him and and having to explain himself to the man. “I gather you have been informed that we didn’t catch the man who murdered your daughter…”

“Yeah…” He turned his head sideways and Morgan tensed a little, not sure whether to take it as a sign of defeat and submission or as a trap. Just in case he readied himself for the later, expecting that from the battle-worn man. “And I gathered that you’ve got two men out there and one of them’s wounded. Left side, huh? Might seem superficial, but the spleen’s a nasty little thing, you can lose four pints slowly bleeding into it and you won’t even really notice until at least half of that.”

Morgan’s tone was icy as he asked, “What are you trying to say, Mr Sawyer?”

Sawyer shrugged and dropped the two large bags he was carrying. “Brought my equipment and my expertise, you might need someone to patch your guy up out there, not some paramedic who can do little more than apply a band-aid straight.”

There was a moment of silence as the tension built between Morgan and Sawyer before an almost imperceptible nod and small smirk in reply resolved the situation.

 

###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###

 

Hotch sighed softly, his arm wrapped tightly around Reid’s waist, his left hand pressing painfully against the younger man’s injury. He hoped to stop at least some of the precious, hot, red liquid from seeping out and soaking Reid’s coat and clothes further.

“50 more minutes. You’ll make it, Reid.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Reid said and Hotch tried to make out whether his voice was slurred or not, studying his face for any sign of him slowly losing consciousness.

“Of course I worry about you.”

Reid smiled softly at Hotch. “Don’t, really. I’m not afraid of dying. ‘But if you can bring yourself to face not shadows but real death, then you need never be afraid again, at least not in the same way you were before.’ It’s from…”

“East of Eden. You’re not the only one who reads books, you know?”

Reid smiled softly. “There’s a grain of truth in it, you know? Once you’ve been there, once you’ve done it… why be afraid of it? That doesn’t mean I can’t be spooked, but now? I’m not afraid of it, Hotch. I’ve died before. This takes a bit longer and it’s a bit more painful, but… why worry?”

Hotch’s voice was sharp and insistent when he spoke, “You’re not going to die, Reid.”

“Hotch, do you know how much blood…”

“Yes and no. I know how much blood the human body holds, I know how much one can lose and survive and no, I don’t want to know how much you assume you could or have already lost due to internal injuries. You can be wrong, too, you know.”

Reid just shrugged and leaned against Hotch, enjoying the arm around him despite the circumstances. He decided there were worse ways to die than waiting for the sunrise in an almost untouched wintery forest, while wrapped in Aaron Hotchner’s arms. He imagined the colours the sun would paint the frosted twigs above them and the white ground before them and, with a smile, hoped he would get to see it.

“You can’t die,” Hotch suddenly said. “I can’t lose you, too.”

“Lose me, too? Hotch, don’t be silly. We all know any one of us could die on any given day. Just because the time suddenly comes doesn’t make that any different.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Hotch said, staring ahead at the horizon. “I can’t lose another person I love.”

“You love all of us,” Reid countered. “How does that change anything what I said?”

“It is different.” Hotch’s voice was lower now, less secure. “I feel differently for you.”

Reid nodded, his current situation taking toll on his excitability.

“You know?” Hotch asked, mistaking Reid’s nod for affirmation. “How long?”

“How long what?” Reid eventually asked.

“How long have you known how I feel for you?”

Now Reid was a little confused. “Hotch, what… why… why is it so important all of a sudden? Your feelings for me never were an issue before and I guess they won’t be for much longer…”

Hotch’s didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry as he began to understand. “You have no idea what I mean, right? I love you, Spencer.”

“We got as far as that,” mumbled Reid, the exhaustion, pain and cold getting to him. “And I told you, I know. It’s sort of implied every day…”

“You’re wrong, Spencer,” murmured Hotch against Reid’s hair and brought his free hand up to stroke Reid’s cheek. “It’s not like that, it’s the butterflies and sleepless nights kind of love.”

Reid stiffened a little and then looked up at Hotch. “What?”

“It’s romantic, Spencer. I love-love you. I would like to do this with you when you’re not bleeding from a large gash on your side that you saw fit not to tell me about for hours.”

Again, Reid blinked rather confused at Hotch. “But… what? No, no, that can’t be right, that can’t be true, you can’t have those feelings for me. You’re… you’re not… you…”

Hotch chuckled despite the situation. “I’m not what? Not gay? No, but I don’t need to put a label on what I feel for you.” He pressed a kiss against Reid’s hair, again becoming painfully aware of Reid’s current state of health. “I loved Haley, I love you. You could technically say I’m bisexual, but I never thought about it. I just feel this way for you.”

To Hotch’s surprise Reid shook his head. “No. It’s not that, it’s just… you can’t have feelings for me. I’m the one who has feelings for you.”

The honest confusion in Reid’s voice made Hotch want to laugh, on the other hand it was either a testament to Reid’s heartfelt believe that he did not deserve to have his feelings reciprocated, or to his state of mind. In the worst case of both.

“I’m sorry,” muttered Hotch, his heart aching and quietly begging for time to run faster, sunrise to come quicker, “I’m sorry that it wasn’t implied, every day. But it’s true. You can’t die, Spencer, because I’m not gonna lose you like I lost Haley. I want to have a chance to love you before death do us part.”

Reid still blinked disbelievingly at Hotch. “You’re unfair, Hotch. You can’t tell me now! This isn’t fair…”

With a bittersweet smile on his lips Hotch said, “I can even do more than that.” He leaned in for a kiss, claiming Reid’s lips gently. There was a kind of relief in it too, finding that the kiss tasted of coffee and sugar, not metallic.

“Not fair,” gasped Reid.

Hotch shook his head, needing a moment to find his voice. “No regrets, Spencer. You may have ‘faced not shadows but real death’, but I have no regrets after doing this.”

“It’s a bit cruel,” muttered Reid, but without venom in his voice.

“No, it’s not. Save your breath, Spencer, you’ll need it for the next half hour.”

Reid leaned his head back against Hotch’s shoulder and closed his eyes, the pain and numbing cold mingling with a third, conflicting feeling.

 

###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###

 

Dawn didn’t just bring new hope, as it was shortly after sunrise that Reid’s sporadic breathing had stopped completely and Hotch hadn’t been able to find a pulse.

He couldn’t remember how long he had been kneeling in the snow, feeling not so cold at all (though he was quite certain the numbness the cold brought was good thing here) as he mechanically counted chest compressions up to thirty, the two ventilations and went back to counting to thirty with the beat of ‘Yellow Submarine’ playing somewhere in the back of his head. He couldn’t even remember if it had been five or fifty cycles when he finally heard the helicopter blades overhead.

He was certain they had seen them when the helicopter hovered overhead for almost three cycles before taking off with speed to somewhere downhill. He had to be certain because, even if he had wanted to, he couldn’t have stopped to look up to them or wave. He knew if he stopped before help was there, by his side, taking over from him, everything would be over.

###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###

Reid woke to blank surroundings, which was in itself astounding as he expected neither the woods to change nor to lie in hospital on the floor on a room so big that he couldn’t even make out the walls in the distance. As he sat up he began to notice walls maybe ten feet away from him, but he had the slight feeling that they just were there because he somehow expected them to be there.

“Hey, Doctor Reid,” a soft, female voice came from somewhere behind him. Reid turned around, noting a distinct lack of pain where it should shoot through his left side just under his ribs, and his frown deepened at the sight before him.

“Mrs Ho- I mean… uh…”

“Call me ‘Haley’, Spencer,” she smiled at him, sitting on a bench the same matte white as the rest of the room. She patted the spot next to her. “Come, sit here, I need to talk to you. I’d prefer to talk at eye-level.”

Reid scrambled up and carefully sat down next to her, eyeing her attentively. “Haley, what is this supposed to be? Is this some… ‘helping me pass over to the other side’ thing?”

She shrugged. “How should I know? But I’d like to think I’m doing quite the opposite.” He frowned and she chuckled. “That’s really adorable, Spencer. Just like him…”

“Haley, what is this?”

“Let’s think of this as passing time until you figure out what’s going to happen?” She gently put a hand on his knee. “How are you doing?”

Reid shrugged. “Considering my injury, the cold and the absurdity of this situation, I think I’m dead. What else is there to figure out? Whether this is real or just the last stray sparks between my dying neurons?”

She nodded softly. “This is most likely not a ‘peeking through the door’ moment, is it? It probably is just your hypothermic brain trying to make sense of your life in the last few moments of its existence. You’re not hypoxic, I think, Aaron’s taking knowledge of first aid procedures very seriously and is probably breaking your probably bird-like bones at this very moment. Expect a few cracked ribs in that skinny ribcage of yours. Seriously, aren’t you eating, kid? Anyway, that hypothermic versus hypoxic thing should be proof enough that I’m just part of your brain, trying to take a form that you can trust.”

“Trust? Why trust? And with what?”

“Because you, Doctor Spencer Reid, will not disregard me and what I have to say as a figment of your imagination until you can prove it. And how do you want to prove it? You’re not disregarding the light you saw last time as some misinterpreted outside input.”

“So, why you? Why not…” - Hankel, Garner, the list goes on, in his mind, with every good and mislead person and every victim he ever knew and couldn’t save - “… anyone else who died?”

“Because I’m the only person who knows Aaron. And you’re dying to know what this is that might or might not be between you. Or what could be. Pardon the pun.”

“It’s more of a atypical double entendre than a pun. A pun relies mostly on homophones and in this case it’s the literal meaning versus a figure of speech which is the basis for most more or less suggestive…”

She put her index finger on his lips to shut him up and Reid felt his lips tingle as a response. He was surprised that he still felt or at least imagined to feel. “Shhh, honey, I think neither of us knows how long we have so leave the explanations to me, okay?”

He nodded softly and she lowered her finger.

“Aaron can be very somber and stiff, but there’s another Aaron under that outside. He’s fiercely loyal and capable of so much love and happiness if he just allows himself to feel that way. His father died when he was just a teenager, Sean was just a baby and Aaron did his best to take care of at least himself, if not his whole family. That made him hard on the outside, hard against himself and to an extend against others. But he’s never cruel to anyone but himself, he’s always fair and his biggest fault is to forget to let people know how much he cares, including and foremost himself. I had some of the best times of my life with him - and not just because we spent more than half of it together. It may take a lot of time until he lets people know how much he cares, at least in a way that they understand. It’s taken him more than two decades to tell me the story of… how our relationship started out, to him. If you want him, then go for it. Don’t make a mistake and find reasons not to.”

“Are you giving me your blessing to date your ex-husband?”

“I’m giving you advice, Spencer. Because you’re young and you’ve been hurt, too, and you’ve never really learned how these things work, right?”

Reid blinked softly. “Right… and I don’t want to hurt Hotch and so…”

“Don’t. It’s not your responsibility to think about what might happen to him if you might do this. Aaron’s old enough to figure out the risks for himself. All you need to figure out is that it’s worth it for you.”

“Is it worth it?”

“I told you, deep inside him is still that boy who locked himself away almost thirty years ago because he was afraid of being hurt. I know he’s still there, waiting for his princess or, in this case, unlikely prince to come and knock on the door and convince him to come out and watch the stars with him.”

Reid chuckled softly, not without a certain bitterness. “Maybe we should do sunsets or sunrises, I’d bore him to death with my ramblings about constellations, astronomy and astrology.”

“Trust me, that’s just one thing he loves about you…”

Reid lowered his eyes, only looking up when she took his hand.

“We both know that you always have a choice. If there’s enough blood left in you to fuel this weird fantasy there’s enough left to hang onto life.”

 

###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###

 

Sound was the first thing that came back to Reid, the insistent, not quite steady beeping of a heart monitor, then the exaggerated sound of his own breathing, then murmuring, then rustling. He blinked, a couple of times, the blurry blotches of colour above him becoming more clear and the sounds in his ears more refined. The shaking of his world, he realized, was due to him lying on a stretcher and being carried across uneven ground, his exaggerated breathing due to the oxygen mask on his face.

“He’s awake!” a warm, somewhat familiar voice announced somewhere on the right of Reid’s head and there was a brisk movement somewhere by Reid’s left foot, but he wasn’t aware enough to make out who either was.

“We’re almost there, unless he’s restless we shouldn’t stop now.”

Reid’s eyes fell shut again and he just kept listening to the sounds until the shaking stopped and he was lowered to what he presumed was the ground.

The unfamiliar, second voice spoke to him again, calling his name and Reid opened his eyes for the unfamiliar face hovering over his. He nodded and shook his head to questions he couldn’t remember by the time the next question was asked and though that should have worried him it was an almost elating feeling, not to have to remember something.

He only was confused when the face above him had changed and he hadn’t noticed, forcing himself to be more aware as he watched Hotch’s lips move, the sound seemingly out of sync with the visual.

“Spencer, can you hear me?” Hotch asked softly.

Reid nodded.

Hotch’s face distorted almost comically into a forced smile, deep worry still carved in around his eyes. “That was a bit of a stunt you pulled on me. You had me really worried that I might lose you, for a moment.” There was something else that Reid, most unexpectedly, saw and realized, something deep and meaningful in Hotch’s eyes, something just meant for him.

Reid shrugged a little, hoping his face conveyed the apology he wanted to give. He clumsily lifted his hand to his face, fingers feeling around for the strap of the oxygen mask and feebly pulling at the elastic bands holding it in place.

“Hey, hey! That’s just the oxygen mask, you can leave that in place,” Hotch murmured urgently and covered Reid’s hand with his. Reid had to resist to roll his eyes at Hotch. He put all his strength into pulling his hand free, get a grip on the mask and pull it off.

“No… -body’s… dead,” he wheezed, attempting for a joking tone, “u-until they’re…”

His voice was weaker than he himself had expected and talking hurt more, too.

Surprisingly Hotch’s lips curled into a smile despite the wince of pain Reid had given and that Hotch had subconsciously mimicked. “Nobody’s dead until they’re warm and dead. I remember.” He put the mask back on with gentle force. “Now, you need that. I might have broken a rib or two. Or a few more.”

Reid chuckled and if it worried Hotch he didn’t let it show, pressing a kiss to Reid’s forehead. Reid blinked up at him, wanting to explain, but on the other hand maybe it was better if he couldn’t.

“They’re going to load you up now and take you to hospital. I’ll be with you, soon. I’ll see you at the hospital. Don’t dare to die on the way. I’m gonna break a couple more ribs trying to get you back yet again. You don’t want to wake up to that.”

Reid nodded faintly and let his eyes fall shut, but kept trying to take deep, steady breaths to reassure Hotch.

 

###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###CM###

 

Although or maybe because Reid’s body had been mangled by drugs, traumatic wounds and anthrax infection before, he recovered fairly quickly.

He didn’t truly regain consciousness until the day after, spending the first half of the day after being rescued in surgery, the other half recovering from anesthesia, hypothermia and blood-loss, but he stated that he felt relatively fine, apart from being sore.

The chest x-ray for internal bleeding also proved that the worst injury Reid had sustained from the CPR was the bruising over his sternum. That and the wound on his left side ached terribly at the lightest touch, but it was a feeling that always reminded him that he was alive so he hardly ever complained.

Hotch had the corresponding sore muscles in his arms and aching carpal and metacarpal bones and the dark circles under his eyes that only faded slowly. His eyes, however, lit up every time he caught sight of Reid and when their fingers found each other or when Reid said something or when they finally were alone and he could put an aching arm around Reid’s shoulders and he finally could press his mouth against Reid’s, although and because he was very much alive and breathing.

Nobody commented on Hotch never leaving Reid’s side unless there was a truly compelling reason to do so (need for sleep not being one of them), but Hotch and Reid didn’t kid themselves with believing that the team might just mistake it for a bout of overprotectiveness because of what had happened. They were facing a team of the best profilers there were, after all.

So neither party was surprised when the team at one point walked in on their unit chief and genius exchanging languid kisses, the only comment being Morgan’s cheeky, “I think we need an emergency cart in here, Hotch’s resuscitating Reid again!”

Surprisingly they all switched pretty quickly to normal behaviour, maybe partly because JJ presented Reid with a piece of paper.

“Henry’s sending his best wishes and this picture to Uncle Spence. He made me write out ‘Get Well Soon’ so he could trace the letters.”

Reid squinted a little at the picture, a grizzly half-composition of black, bare trees and a person lying amidst them, covered in blotches of red. JJ didn’t have to explain that it was supposed to be him in the woods, with extensive injuries Henry had made up because he didn’t know the details of what had had happened. “He’s getting a bit more into symbolism, isn’t he? It’s amazing, tell him I really like it.”

“I will. He’s a bit worried about you.”

Reid smiled gently, having grown very fond of his godson. “I’ll come visit once they let me out of here.”

They slipped into a friendly conversation after that, a cookie tin with some gorgeous cookies made by Garcia making its round.

Eventually, when the discussion began to stagnate Emily gathered all her courage, speaking quietly as she began to voice the question that had bugging her the whole time, “Reid, I know this is a pretty personal thing but…”

“… you can’t help but wonder about whether it changed, right?” Reid said softly.

Prentiss nodded just as softly, her eyes lowered. “I know it’s unreasonable, but…”

“It’s not, it’s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable about a possible prospect of eternal darkness, but…” Reid paused, trying to find the right words, “I can’t help you there. It’s… I got nothing this time,” Reid shrugged. “No light, no darkness, just… nothing.”

“Nothing?” Hotch asked, surprising himself as much as everyone else by joining the conversation.

“Nothing,” Reid repeated.

“Does that scare you?” Emily asked softly.

“Not so much,” Reid answered thoughtfully and then it turned into a smirk. “I… might be getting used to the fact that I’m coming back every time…”

Everyone chuckled, but they were not light, amused sounds, more like a heavy veil they tried to drape over their embarrassment and the realization how close it really had been.

“Come on, Aaron,” Rossi suddenly said, his tone genuinely light and indicating a change of topic, “I think it’s time we fed you.”

Hotch’s eyes widened a little and he stared at Reid. He was equally surprised when Reid nodded his agreement.

“Yes. You’ve been here all day. It’s time you get out and have some fun.”

“Spencer,” he whispered after leaning in, tentatively touching Reid’s shoulder, “Is everything all right, do you want to get rid of me?”

“No,” replied Reid softly. “I’m just worried about your health. You need proper, fresh food and some fresh air. I’ll survive if you’ll be gone for a few hours. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

After another moment Hotch nodded softly and got up. “Okay, I just…”

“It’s okay,” Garcia interjected, “I’ll stay here and keep Reid company.”

Grudgingly Hotch admitted that they had robbed him of arguments to stay and nodded his agreement to go. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Yeah, go already, bossman,” Garcia nearly giggled.

And so they led Hotch outside, Rossi going ahead, JJ and Emily at his sides, Morgan trailing behind and winking at Garcia before closing the door behind them.

“Now, cupcake, you may be able to convince the completely besotted Aaron Hotchner, but not to your computer goddess. Tell me.”

Reid rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, biding for time. When he lowered his hands he saw the appropriate mixture of impatience and curiosity on Garcia’s face.

“You won’t believe it anyway.”

“Try me, Doctor May-not-know-everything-after-all.”

Despite himself, Reid gave a nervous chuckled before he began to talk. “Well, I didn’t lie, there wasn’t really a light and it wasn’t just darkness, it was much more… complex… I don’t even know if it was real or not, but… who can tell that anyway…”

After taking a deep breath he eventually began to tell her the full story of what had ‘happened’ between him blacking out next to Hotch and waking up on the stretcher - and Reid was more relieved than he thought he would be when Garcia stayed uncharacteristically quiet and just held his hand for a long time after he was finished.

**Author's Note:**

> "…nearly all men are afraid, and they don’t even know what causes their fear—shadows, perplexities, dangers without names or numbers, fear of a faceless death. But if you can bring yourself to face not shadows but real death, then you need never be afraid again, at least not in the same way you were before. Then you will be a man set apart from other men, safe where other men may cry in terror. This is the great reward." - East of Eden


End file.
